Wanting a Relationship in Order to Heal, Learn and Share Love

One main reason for being in a relationship stems from the fact that relationships are the most fertile ground for learning about what is unhealed in us, and for having an arena to heal. Most of us have baggage from childhood that we carry into our primary relationship -- such as fears of rejection and fears of engulfment. These fears generally get played out with a partner, which offers us an incredible opportunity to learn about and heal them. Relationship can be the Ph.D. of personal growth!

Learning about your fears of intimacy, as well as about control issues that may surface with a primary partner, can lead to much personal growth -- enhancing your ability to love. The more you learn to take responsibility for your own feelings -- learning to love yourself, cherish yourself, make yourself feel special and valued -- the more you may want a relationship in order to share your love rather than to get love. Contrary to what many believe, it's not the getting of love that takes away loneliness, but the sharing of love.

The most profound and beautiful experience in life is the sharing of love. But we can't share our love unless we are filled with love. When we learn to fill ourselves with love from our "Source" -- whatever that is for each person, such as nature, spirit, God, the energy of the universe -- then we come to our partner with inner fullness rather than with inner emptiness. Rather than needing a partner to complete us, we desire to share our completeness with our partner.

When two people come together to get love rather than to learn, heal and share love, there is a strong possibility that their relationship won't last. With both partners trying to get loved and filled by the other, and neither one having learned to love and fill themselves, each will ultimately be disappointed. Very often, one or both might believe they've picked the wrong partner.

When two people come together because they want to learn together, grow together, heal together, share their time and companionship, and share their love and passion, they have a good chance of creating a lasting, loving relationship.

When these people are asked why they want a relationship, they say:

-- I have a lot of love to give and I want to share it with a partner, who also has a lot of love to give.

-- Possibly, we might want to have children with whom to also share our love.

-- I want to learn and grow with someone who also wants to learn and grow.

-- I want to share time, companionship, lovemaking, laughter and play with someone with whom I feel deeply connected.

If you tune inside and honestly ask yourself why you want a relationship, and you find yourself on the first list rather than on the second, do not despair. You can learn how to love yourself and fill yourself with love so that you have plenty of love to share with a partner.

It's important to realize that we attract people at our common level of health -- which is the level of taking personal responsibility for our happiness and wellbeing -- or at our common level of self-abandonment -- which includes making someone else responsible for our feelings. Given this reality, you have a far better chance of creating a healthy and loving relationship with a partner when you have a healthy and loving relationship with yourself.

I know I am on this journey as well...and have a lot of love to give.

How's It Go?

NOTE- This was published on August 9th, 2012 but was reflective of feelings around May 2012...

I feel like each time I start to sit down and type one of these out, my mind begins to wonder as to what else I could have accomplished with my time. Well, this time, I'm limited because I just finished exercising with Stephanie in preparation for my 5k run on Saturday. That's right, I said that I'm running a 5k. Not too impressive when you say it's 3.1 miles, but still, this body just doesn't normally run, let alone 3.1 miles.

As redundant as it may seem, and as pointless as it may seem to say this, but life has been really crazy lately, and seemingly in fast forward. Just recently completed Relay For Life in South Lakeland as the DJ and Activities and Entertainment Co-Chair. (I'll get back to Co-Chairing in a moment) It was a lot of fun, but a ton of work to make that event happen. I appreciate all that the American Cancer Society does to find a cure for cancer, it's really commendable, and a great cause. They have a theory that as Cancer starts to take it's toll on the patient, we start Relay symbolizing the sunset on the body and the wear and fatigue. Then the dawn rises as we beat Cancer. Great concept, the thing is, that most people aren't made, especially nowadays, to stay up all night, and spend the next two days recovering from the event.

I want to start at 7 AM, and end at 1 AM the next morning. Still keeps the 18 hours the event is, but it would be easier to cope with, a lot more day time could be spent with events and activities, and a lot more people would be engaged in the event overall. Plus as I said, I would be able to keep my beauty sleep :)

So with work, what can I freaking mother effing say? It's been insane, system issues, people are obnoxious as well, and just overall really not wanting to be in the office anymore. I so wish that I could work virtually finally. That's the thing too, at least an Alternate Work Pattern where I could work two days from home to start and prove how effective I could be.

So I'm co-leading the Global Service Day, on June 21st for AON in the Orlando Office. I was under the impression that I would be the lead, and when I arrived at the meeting, they announced me as the co-lead. I am not a large fan of co-leading, because I'm such an ideas person, and have a lot of great ideas to throw out there. The problem is, that people also have their ideas, and you have to collaborate with them. This, known fact, that I am not really a fan of people in general, works against me big time. I am someone who knows that I can get the job done, and done right. I guess I just have to play nice. Whatever.

I have lately been in a great situation with...we'll call him...my possible boyfriend. The reason I say this is because we're taking it one day at a time, and trying to figure out what we're going to be. Both of us are a little commitment phobic, and understand this. I was the one who was like, you know, I've been single long enough, screw the whole feelings thing, if I ever want to be with someone, then I need to put myself out there. I don't want to get hurt, that's the thing. And the reason why I never wanted to be in a relationship anymore. However, now I'm ready to get back into it, because I finally found someone that I truly grooved with. The thing is, he wasn't ready. I give him TREMENDOUS credit though for taking a lot of big steps lately, and trying this out. I basically was like, look, I can't be waiting around forever, and the feelings are too strong to just remain your friend. He agreed, and now we're trying out this dating thing. I'm feeling very comfortable, and really enjoying it. We'll see where things take us there.

So with all that being said, not sure where this "feeling" is coming from. I don't want to say it's a depression or anything, but I've just been feeling really BLAH lately, and it's been a nagging feeling. I don't have much time as StarBucks is closing right now. I'll come back to this.

UPDATE - Never did come back to this...I have started a new post to come out soon...

Silence

I was going through my files tonight, cleaning out things, and saw that I just wrote this in a Word document one day, and re-read it just now. Wow, this was some deep thought I was in, not sure my purpose in writing this. Hope you enjoy!

************************

VJ CyberTangle

Silence is something in this world that most of us do not appreciate.  In the world today, it is uncommon in today’s society to have an opportunity of silence.  However, when it comes to being oppressed by someone or something that places one in such turmoil, we tend to give ourselves a grand amount of time in this world of solitude.  Today more than ever, there are many organizations that stand up for women’s rights, gay and lesbian rights, and African American’s rights.  These organizations are helping those less fortunate or without a voice to speak up and stand out.  This begs the question of why we do not hear more about these trials and tribulations.  Silence is deafening and those in power tend to enforce this upon those who they are oppressing.  Unless the person who is being oppressed goes to one of these organizations, then they will forever remain in silence and solitude until they reach out and extend their hand to those that are wishing to help.  Society is quick to persecute those who murdered or committed heinous acts of violence against others; then why is it that when one’s self-esteem, dignity, or even their basic human rights are violated, do we hide in our shells and neglect to help those we say we strongly defend?

Taking A Stand

Whenever I begin to write out one of these posts, my mind begins to flood with thoughts of injustice. So many things done to myself and others that I see suffer. However, when I stop to think, everyone has a choice. This morning I chose to wake up at 8 am even though I do not have my first obligation until noon.

We cannot sit idle and expect things to change if we're not willing to take the first step towards change.

I am on four different goals, and feel that to accomplish these are hard tasks. Therefore, why should I accept second best treatment or service from someone else. No I'm not there for convenience, when you're bored, when you need something. That just won't fly with me anymore. I work way too hard and have gotten where I'm at too much just to accept that second class treatment.

Let me advise, I'm not trying to be stuck up or say people need to bow to me. If you got that impression, then you clearly do not know me as a person. I am the most in your face, honest, and will say things people think but really shouldn't say outloud person you might ever run into.

I haven't let myself be open with my emotions and feelings. I have wanted to stay single. I honestly felt like no one should deserve me. Once again, if you know me this is not a pity party, laying a foundation here for my logic.

So when do I fall into the societal norm?

That's just not me, I'm not that type of person. I'm one who loves to make people laugh so hard they cry. I am a provider who loves to make people succeed and strive for better in their jobs, their lives, and about how they see themselves. I believe life is terribly short. And not from birth to death. Life, I feel is from 18 - as long as you can remain of sound mind, body, and soul...

It's not about living as long as possible. How can I enjoy life if I've lost my mind?

I will give you a sample of injustice in my life that will hopefully tie both of my main points together for you.

Person X, continually reaches out to me for assistance, sometimes almost non-stop. (I bet so many people reading this just got nervous it is them...but read on) They always have an "issue" of some sort that they need for me to resolve. It starts off with, "Hi VJ OMG I miss you so much, how have you been doing lately? Been taking over the world haven't you?? So how have you been?" It's really patronizing bull shit if you ask me. Don't come at me like you are so sad that we don't ever hang out. Frankly I really don't care if we have or not. But when you lay into, "If I send you this, can you please fix it and send it back to me?" did you not want to hear how've I been? Guess that was just a formality and real fake. I also assume that what I'm correcting for you will propel you into life and at some point I'll get back stabbed by you to get ahead of me.

People think they're slick, they really do. I know this game of life, of the corporate nonsense, and how to bob and weave through it. A few years back I broke free from the mold and realized I wasn't going to move up if I continued to use the same tactics everyone else did. So I wrote my own. I shared those with others. Some got places, others did not.

What though, was the difference?

I can't go through an interview for someone. I can set them up for success up to the interview, but if they don't come across polished, shined up, and together, then it's a lost cause.

Ok ok ok, so you're asking, WHAT is the point here?

If you REALLY want something, you can get all the help you want from others, but no one is going to give you it and no one is going let you have it before they have it first. You need to want it, crave it, and get it.

For me, I want to be loved, I want to be liked, and I want to be successful in my life, career, and family. But I need to make that happen, no one else will.

The injustices, mistreatments, only calling when you want something, is stopping. I come with a price now. I miss out on so much money because I'm helping everyone else make money.

I just started a business for a friend that will make a ton of money. Helped, from scratch, and will probably never see a dime back. I do this as my own company struggles, nice right?

In my personal side, I'm ready to settle down, wanted to, but my feelings got too strong I had to back away from that person. I took a stand finally not to say, "Oh sure maybe when it's right. Not a good time for him right now." Justifying it pretty much. I don't want to get into all that right now. But I'm sure you see, I was an idiot, a fool, and allowing myself just to create something that wasn't there. I was falling for sure, but it was unfortunately one way. No fault to that person as they were extremely up front at the top with me not wanting to be in a relationship. Neither was I wanting to be at the time. Things happened, and I grew feelings.

I took a stand, am taking a stand, and will.continue to take a stand that I will fulfill my four goals by my deadline. I am almost there and will do it. I have so much to offer, and want to give and share all my happiness, laughter, and fun times through life with someone at my side who sees me for me, not for what I can do for them. Whether that's a partner, a friend, family, an acquaintance, or whoever...it applied to all. If it's business, it's business.

You only get one chance through this thing called life, you don't have 9 lives or even 2. So take a stand of your own, today!

I Admit I'm Not Perfect...

This post finds me in a really interesting situation right now in life. I am extremely stressed out, but really don't show it to anyone, or at least, try to "manage" it. Now, right off the bat, let me get this clear, I'm not sitting here posting a blog with the intention of biotching the entire time about "how much my life sucks...how awful things are..." I'm sure you've got a million other Facebook friends that you could easily check one of their depressing statuses right now. You know what, go ahead, open a new tab right now and see if one of the first five people on your feed has some extremely depressing status that you just want to comment on saying, "Really? ... people are starving in Africa, and you're upset because you didn't get what you wanted for your birthday?"

Next question, so what then ARE you planning on doing during this blog. Well here, let me lay this shizz out for you. What is it that you are doing sitting there, just reading away at the blog, and thinking...Ok, so this isn't a two way dialog, I get it, but you did stop and think for a second I'm sure of it. Things have been pretty hectic lately for me, and I can't help but feel overworked, and not even from work, but from the outside world.

"I need help with this, can't you do that, when can you get that for me..." on a daily basis I hear those phrases, or more than just those three. Now, I love people, don't get me wrong, but why is it that I wonder when I hear a text message, or hear my ringtone...what IS it that this person wants me to help them with?

Are you the kind of person that asks a lot of favors, or are you in my boat? Again, another point where you can stop and think about this, it's ok to pause and continue reading at any point you're confused. That's the crazy part about people too, they want you to be METICULOUS with what you do for them, but then half ass something they do for you, if they even do it. ("I'm too busy, I'll get to that") Once again, I'm sure you've heard it all just like I have.

Keep this in mind, everyone is out for themselves, and it's a dying breed out there of people that think about more than just number one. I'm not saying forget number one, you should always keep that first, but try expanding to being selfless to number 2 or number 3 every once in a while. This world would be a much better place if we could just do that.

This week, a guy on my floor that I used to say hi to and what not at work, in his 30's, died while putting up Christmas Lights over this past weekend. He's married with two young kids that now don't have a father for Christmas, and will probably correlate the two every year. How horrible is that, this is just an awful time of year. (Whether it was a seizure or electrocution is still under investigation) The part that really got me, is that the e-mail came out "FROM" our office lead...but was sent BY an Administrative Assistant. Now really...it's not like EVERY day or week or MONTH or even YEAR that someone dies in our building. Would it kill you to make the rest of us living think that you actually care about our well being, and for the associate that worked under you? The guy who passed, he was a really nice guy, and I saw him on Friday at the Starbucks on our first floor. The thing is, I just can't believe that, how quickly he was there in the building, and then eerily his desk was empty on Monday, kid's pictures still there, and work on his desk untouched. Life is so short, and so precious, we need to keep that in focus, and remember that it can be yanked away in a short weekend.

You have an opportunity to make a change NOW...not tomorrow, not this weekend, not next month (as you get ready to make New Year's Resolutions). It's time...right now, and you're only getting closer to your time when you pass. So grab that opportunity right now, and run with it, even if...seriously...even if, it's a small change. Cut out the sugar, stop being stubborn, say "I'm Sorry", make that move, do it NOW.

You'd think, great point to end on, right? I just scratched the surface. Now I can't stand reading long and boring blogs, so that's why I try to keep mine relatively short. I've also been asked why I don't write more. You have a life, and as I just pointed out, it's short. I respect your time, as I hope you respect yours. If I have some points, I will make sure they're monumental, so I make that promise, I won't bring you to this site, "just because".

Alright - three more short topics that I will lightning round because it's getting long already and these were just WHOA moments for me.



2 - I have taken quite a bit of flack lately for doing a deed that...isn't seen too favorable. Alright, out with it right? I, on the side, sleep with a married guy, that has a child as well. Wife and he play together with guys from time to time, but that's the whole, "I'm straight, having fun with you and the guy" thing -- she has NO clue how it goes down on this side of the field. I keep having this nightmare, that I'm going to end up with Joey Greco from Cheaters at my front door someday, or in a supermarket parking lot with a crowd around. Crazy, I know, but the heat I've taken from people has been, "How horrible, he has a child, you should stop it" -- so wait a minute, because HE CHOOSES to, I'm not forcing him, I should be the bad guy? He's going to move on to the next guy as it is. Not to mention, we're safe, and it's calmed me down from sleeping around as well, I've pretty much stuck to him for a while. I mean, let's face it, there's not a BF in the works for me. Too many self-conscious issues, and he totally takes that all away from me, and I never once think about how awful I look in front of him. I know, right? Mr. Positive over here is suddenly talking bad about himself? I have a really bad self image of myself, and cannot understand how anyone hits on me, let alone sleeps with me. It's a piece of the damaged goods that I'm working on through my count"up" (down) that people have been noticing lately. I've felt very proud because I've inspired two people to start one. I'm so happy for them and know it will help them.

3. A "best" friend (and I say that loosely right now) is trying to come back into the picture, and I haven't put the EX title on there quite yet, because it could possibly be salvaged. There's a lot of stubbornness on that end, and pride, and on this end, it's a change in who I am, where I want to go, and how I know that I can not continue to back down and just "apologize" without concessions from the other side anymore. I'm not just referring to this person, I'm talking about everyone. I have realized, and this situation has helped me, that I cannot just be like, "I'm Sorry" or "Sure, walk all over me". I've done that with guys, friends, and co workers. Doing that is fine, but not EVERY time. You eventually become that "nice guy" that everyone just walks over with a bulldozer. It really shoots your ego right on down to zero. It's good to remain somewhere in the middle, where you give and take, to keep your ego up, but not over inflated. Where will things go with this friend? I'm not sure, I've really been thinking it through and evaluating it. I just think that it's evolving into a different kind of friendship, not the same as before. We'll see, time (though short) will tell...

What do I expect in the coming time before the next post? Maybe I'll be here, maybe I won't...but until then, you can best believe I will be living it up like no one's watching. :) Ciao

I am who I've learned to be...

The following post needs some foreword to ensure that any information put in it is not taken out of context. If you think the post is about you, it's probably not. So please no emails, text, messages on FB etc saying, 'Was that about me?' Or 'Was that about so and so?' My answer will be an infatuate 'No'.

With all the legal disclaimers aside now, I can share my most interesting moments that has occurred lately.

I have spent time on this earth that is pretty much considered 'borrowed' time. Whatever your belief in religion, how we evolved, or if you still believe the stork delivered you, that's not the point. We all will pass on someday, cold, deep down fertilizing the grass where the cows will eat it, and your kids and grandkids will be eating the McDonalds Hamburgers from that cow. Yes, believe it or not, that will eventually happen. It's the circle of life.

WHEN that happens, could be in the middle of this post, tonight, tomorrow starting my car, or 40 years from now. Get the point yet? We don't have control over it, it's coming for us all.

So, what's the big deal right? Death and Taxes.

If no one can tell us when, even a doctor to say you have three months to live...then why won't you make the most of it? Why would you bother to sit around arguing?

We stay in our tunnel of life, thinking about what we're going to do this upcoming weekend. What if you don't have until then?

Make the most of right now, because you may not have but a few more minutes.

Listen to your surroundings, what people say, who is in your life. I had a great quote come to me recently. "Make a list of people in your life, put what value they bring into it. If you have a hard time finding value, then why are you talking to those people still?"

Why is it important to listen to what others say? 'You know he's cheating on you right?'...'Hey watch out for that missing step!'...'I love and care for you like no one else ever will.'

What did YOU just hear of those last three sentences without re-reading them?? Don't look yet! Be honest! ... Little challenging? Then you don't care what I'm writing here. You're just skimming and reading the parts YOU want to hear, understand, or know.

If so, you missed an important part already.

You can't help everyone, and you can't let everyone expect you to help them. The world is not the same, we must realize this. There is no one to take care of you, of us, no one....

If you start living with that mentality, what happens then? Sure you might say, 'I am just being realistic.' Really now? Did you not see those around you that want to help, be there for you, and want you to succeed?

Sure, it's always good to be self sufficient. I've learned that over five years...but why didn't I grasp that over 26 years?

Maturity, something we all handle differently. Life experiences, external obsolescence, DNA, parental and sibling factors, and relationships. When we've got someone we're with whom is, 'someone special' isn't that amazing? Then you realize, wow what an SOB he or she was...or the reverse can happen. (I miss so and so)

Look my point in this section about maturity is...we're all different and can handle certain situations differently with others....BUT we all cannot stand by for such a long period of time before we explode and unload.

Yeah but you didn't tie in maturity there...oh but I did! For myself to even comprehend that everyone is different as how they mature, proves that what I may see as mature, might be immature to another. Our paths in life are never the same. Similar, yes. Same...NO!

We as a collective must realize that and appreciate differences. If you're on the breaking point side though, are you mature to walk away or handle the situation head on? (Apply directly to the forehead) Sorry I digress with humor at times...

And realize, is the other side saying you're being immature by blowing up, by saying what they're saying...

Communication with people is so difficult. A computer has inputs and gives outputs. Even if there is Artificial Intelligence, it was still programmed how to do so.

We are independent thinkers, sometimes too independent. Walk softly, carry a big stick... be who you feel you are and want to be portrayed. We understand, you may know no better than your current situation or circumstances. Unless you listen, open your ears, your mind, your heart, and your soul...

... the short time you do or may have here will truly be wasted if you close yourself off.

Recognize your strengths, understand your weaknesses. You can't do that unless you listen, open yourself to others, learn from those that passed, and from the mistakes around you.

Look at this post, it's free advice! You could walk away going, STUPID POINTLESS!! Or you could be like WOW THAT'S GREAT!!...It's your life, you only get one to live and no one else does...

No one can live it for you, through you, or by you...you need to do it for yourself. But know you're not alone, have others around you all the time and everywhere. So listen, be aware, and define yourself of who you are before you can be with others in any relationship ...albeit friends, lovers, coworkers, etc.

As a closer I pull a quote from my favorite movie...which will put everything I just said in total perspective if you watch the movie and re-read this...

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn...is just to love...and be loved in return
..."

In Memory of D. & R. Kalich (Forever in my heart and thank you for always believing in me)

It's not what it's all about...

If you're like others who wonder why I don't post that often, then I feel you're missing the point of this or any other blog. The intent I wish to continue to maintain focuses on key points, not day to day items.

I could easily babble on about my foot hurting, work, Racquetball, whatever, but what VALUE does that bring to my life and more importantly, yours?

Let's take that key fact and focus on it for a second. When do we stop in life and truly think about things we do, people we associate with, or more simplistic, things we buy. Impulse buys are everywhere at the front of your register in your local grocery store. It all comes down to one thing, convenience.

Now if you open up this grocery store metaphor to everyday life, they say you're supposed to walk the perimeter of the store in order to only buy fresh, processed foods.

If you only walk the perimeter, then you'd possibly miss out on a lot of opportunities, in life as well. Make sure you know the whole picture, all the items in the store, before leaving and making your purchases final.

Unlike a grocery store, there are many items in life you simply can't "return or exchange".

More importantly, you only walked into the store with a set amount of money, so as you're scanning the store for what you want to purchase, make sure you stop and think what VALUE it brings into your life.

If a person brings you harm, why would you keep them in your life? If you're purchasing food, why would you put bread in with bleach?

It baffles me as to why we feel it sometimes so easy to let another person bag our groceries. Does he have your best interests at heart? Does he care if you live, die, or if your groceries make it home in one piece? No, and you should always remember to think of number one as well.

So why then do we allow someone else to bag our groceries. Not just because we paid the store to pay him! We could save money by not having baggers. It all comes down to convenience.

So my last question to you, if you have these conveniences in your life...the necessities you're purchasing...but the bleach gets in the bread without you noticing...you drink it and get sick, what was the VALUE in the first place, and was it ever worth it?

Just next time, think of number one, always be aware, and rethink the VALUE of all of life's conveniences.