Wanting a Relationship in Order to Heal, Learn and Share Love

One main reason for being in a relationship stems from the fact that relationships are the most fertile ground for learning about what is unhealed in us, and for having an arena to heal. Most of us have baggage from childhood that we carry into our primary relationship -- such as fears of rejection and fears of engulfment. These fears generally get played out with a partner, which offers us an incredible opportunity to learn about and heal them. Relationship can be the Ph.D. of personal growth!

Learning about your fears of intimacy, as well as about control issues that may surface with a primary partner, can lead to much personal growth -- enhancing your ability to love. The more you learn to take responsibility for your own feelings -- learning to love yourself, cherish yourself, make yourself feel special and valued -- the more you may want a relationship in order to share your love rather than to get love. Contrary to what many believe, it's not the getting of love that takes away loneliness, but the sharing of love.

The most profound and beautiful experience in life is the sharing of love. But we can't share our love unless we are filled with love. When we learn to fill ourselves with love from our "Source" -- whatever that is for each person, such as nature, spirit, God, the energy of the universe -- then we come to our partner with inner fullness rather than with inner emptiness. Rather than needing a partner to complete us, we desire to share our completeness with our partner.

When two people come together to get love rather than to learn, heal and share love, there is a strong possibility that their relationship won't last. With both partners trying to get loved and filled by the other, and neither one having learned to love and fill themselves, each will ultimately be disappointed. Very often, one or both might believe they've picked the wrong partner.

When two people come together because they want to learn together, grow together, heal together, share their time and companionship, and share their love and passion, they have a good chance of creating a lasting, loving relationship.

When these people are asked why they want a relationship, they say:

-- I have a lot of love to give and I want to share it with a partner, who also has a lot of love to give.

-- Possibly, we might want to have children with whom to also share our love.

-- I want to learn and grow with someone who also wants to learn and grow.

-- I want to share time, companionship, lovemaking, laughter and play with someone with whom I feel deeply connected.

If you tune inside and honestly ask yourself why you want a relationship, and you find yourself on the first list rather than on the second, do not despair. You can learn how to love yourself and fill yourself with love so that you have plenty of love to share with a partner.

It's important to realize that we attract people at our common level of health -- which is the level of taking personal responsibility for our happiness and wellbeing -- or at our common level of self-abandonment -- which includes making someone else responsible for our feelings. Given this reality, you have a far better chance of creating a healthy and loving relationship with a partner when you have a healthy and loving relationship with yourself.

I know I am on this journey as well...and have a lot of love to give.

Taking A Stand

Whenever I begin to write out one of these posts, my mind begins to flood with thoughts of injustice. So many things done to myself and others that I see suffer. However, when I stop to think, everyone has a choice. This morning I chose to wake up at 8 am even though I do not have my first obligation until noon.

We cannot sit idle and expect things to change if we're not willing to take the first step towards change.

I am on four different goals, and feel that to accomplish these are hard tasks. Therefore, why should I accept second best treatment or service from someone else. No I'm not there for convenience, when you're bored, when you need something. That just won't fly with me anymore. I work way too hard and have gotten where I'm at too much just to accept that second class treatment.

Let me advise, I'm not trying to be stuck up or say people need to bow to me. If you got that impression, then you clearly do not know me as a person. I am the most in your face, honest, and will say things people think but really shouldn't say outloud person you might ever run into.

I haven't let myself be open with my emotions and feelings. I have wanted to stay single. I honestly felt like no one should deserve me. Once again, if you know me this is not a pity party, laying a foundation here for my logic.

So when do I fall into the societal norm?

That's just not me, I'm not that type of person. I'm one who loves to make people laugh so hard they cry. I am a provider who loves to make people succeed and strive for better in their jobs, their lives, and about how they see themselves. I believe life is terribly short. And not from birth to death. Life, I feel is from 18 - as long as you can remain of sound mind, body, and soul...

It's not about living as long as possible. How can I enjoy life if I've lost my mind?

I will give you a sample of injustice in my life that will hopefully tie both of my main points together for you.

Person X, continually reaches out to me for assistance, sometimes almost non-stop. (I bet so many people reading this just got nervous it is them...but read on) They always have an "issue" of some sort that they need for me to resolve. It starts off with, "Hi VJ OMG I miss you so much, how have you been doing lately? Been taking over the world haven't you?? So how have you been?" It's really patronizing bull shit if you ask me. Don't come at me like you are so sad that we don't ever hang out. Frankly I really don't care if we have or not. But when you lay into, "If I send you this, can you please fix it and send it back to me?" did you not want to hear how've I been? Guess that was just a formality and real fake. I also assume that what I'm correcting for you will propel you into life and at some point I'll get back stabbed by you to get ahead of me.

People think they're slick, they really do. I know this game of life, of the corporate nonsense, and how to bob and weave through it. A few years back I broke free from the mold and realized I wasn't going to move up if I continued to use the same tactics everyone else did. So I wrote my own. I shared those with others. Some got places, others did not.

What though, was the difference?

I can't go through an interview for someone. I can set them up for success up to the interview, but if they don't come across polished, shined up, and together, then it's a lost cause.

Ok ok ok, so you're asking, WHAT is the point here?

If you REALLY want something, you can get all the help you want from others, but no one is going to give you it and no one is going let you have it before they have it first. You need to want it, crave it, and get it.

For me, I want to be loved, I want to be liked, and I want to be successful in my life, career, and family. But I need to make that happen, no one else will.

The injustices, mistreatments, only calling when you want something, is stopping. I come with a price now. I miss out on so much money because I'm helping everyone else make money.

I just started a business for a friend that will make a ton of money. Helped, from scratch, and will probably never see a dime back. I do this as my own company struggles, nice right?

In my personal side, I'm ready to settle down, wanted to, but my feelings got too strong I had to back away from that person. I took a stand finally not to say, "Oh sure maybe when it's right. Not a good time for him right now." Justifying it pretty much. I don't want to get into all that right now. But I'm sure you see, I was an idiot, a fool, and allowing myself just to create something that wasn't there. I was falling for sure, but it was unfortunately one way. No fault to that person as they were extremely up front at the top with me not wanting to be in a relationship. Neither was I wanting to be at the time. Things happened, and I grew feelings.

I took a stand, am taking a stand, and will.continue to take a stand that I will fulfill my four goals by my deadline. I am almost there and will do it. I have so much to offer, and want to give and share all my happiness, laughter, and fun times through life with someone at my side who sees me for me, not for what I can do for them. Whether that's a partner, a friend, family, an acquaintance, or whoever...it applied to all. If it's business, it's business.

You only get one chance through this thing called life, you don't have 9 lives or even 2. So take a stand of your own, today!