How's It Go?

NOTE- This was published on August 9th, 2012 but was reflective of feelings around May 2012...

I feel like each time I start to sit down and type one of these out, my mind begins to wonder as to what else I could have accomplished with my time. Well, this time, I'm limited because I just finished exercising with Stephanie in preparation for my 5k run on Saturday. That's right, I said that I'm running a 5k. Not too impressive when you say it's 3.1 miles, but still, this body just doesn't normally run, let alone 3.1 miles.

As redundant as it may seem, and as pointless as it may seem to say this, but life has been really crazy lately, and seemingly in fast forward. Just recently completed Relay For Life in South Lakeland as the DJ and Activities and Entertainment Co-Chair. (I'll get back to Co-Chairing in a moment) It was a lot of fun, but a ton of work to make that event happen. I appreciate all that the American Cancer Society does to find a cure for cancer, it's really commendable, and a great cause. They have a theory that as Cancer starts to take it's toll on the patient, we start Relay symbolizing the sunset on the body and the wear and fatigue. Then the dawn rises as we beat Cancer. Great concept, the thing is, that most people aren't made, especially nowadays, to stay up all night, and spend the next two days recovering from the event.

I want to start at 7 AM, and end at 1 AM the next morning. Still keeps the 18 hours the event is, but it would be easier to cope with, a lot more day time could be spent with events and activities, and a lot more people would be engaged in the event overall. Plus as I said, I would be able to keep my beauty sleep :)

So with work, what can I freaking mother effing say? It's been insane, system issues, people are obnoxious as well, and just overall really not wanting to be in the office anymore. I so wish that I could work virtually finally. That's the thing too, at least an Alternate Work Pattern where I could work two days from home to start and prove how effective I could be.

So I'm co-leading the Global Service Day, on June 21st for AON in the Orlando Office. I was under the impression that I would be the lead, and when I arrived at the meeting, they announced me as the co-lead. I am not a large fan of co-leading, because I'm such an ideas person, and have a lot of great ideas to throw out there. The problem is, that people also have their ideas, and you have to collaborate with them. This, known fact, that I am not really a fan of people in general, works against me big time. I am someone who knows that I can get the job done, and done right. I guess I just have to play nice. Whatever.

I have lately been in a great situation with...we'll call him...my possible boyfriend. The reason I say this is because we're taking it one day at a time, and trying to figure out what we're going to be. Both of us are a little commitment phobic, and understand this. I was the one who was like, you know, I've been single long enough, screw the whole feelings thing, if I ever want to be with someone, then I need to put myself out there. I don't want to get hurt, that's the thing. And the reason why I never wanted to be in a relationship anymore. However, now I'm ready to get back into it, because I finally found someone that I truly grooved with. The thing is, he wasn't ready. I give him TREMENDOUS credit though for taking a lot of big steps lately, and trying this out. I basically was like, look, I can't be waiting around forever, and the feelings are too strong to just remain your friend. He agreed, and now we're trying out this dating thing. I'm feeling very comfortable, and really enjoying it. We'll see where things take us there.

So with all that being said, not sure where this "feeling" is coming from. I don't want to say it's a depression or anything, but I've just been feeling really BLAH lately, and it's been a nagging feeling. I don't have much time as StarBucks is closing right now. I'll come back to this.

UPDATE - Never did come back to this...I have started a new post to come out soon...

Silence

I was going through my files tonight, cleaning out things, and saw that I just wrote this in a Word document one day, and re-read it just now. Wow, this was some deep thought I was in, not sure my purpose in writing this. Hope you enjoy!

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VJ CyberTangle

Silence is something in this world that most of us do not appreciate.  In the world today, it is uncommon in today’s society to have an opportunity of silence.  However, when it comes to being oppressed by someone or something that places one in such turmoil, we tend to give ourselves a grand amount of time in this world of solitude.  Today more than ever, there are many organizations that stand up for women’s rights, gay and lesbian rights, and African American’s rights.  These organizations are helping those less fortunate or without a voice to speak up and stand out.  This begs the question of why we do not hear more about these trials and tribulations.  Silence is deafening and those in power tend to enforce this upon those who they are oppressing.  Unless the person who is being oppressed goes to one of these organizations, then they will forever remain in silence and solitude until they reach out and extend their hand to those that are wishing to help.  Society is quick to persecute those who murdered or committed heinous acts of violence against others; then why is it that when one’s self-esteem, dignity, or even their basic human rights are violated, do we hide in our shells and neglect to help those we say we strongly defend?

Taking A Stand

Whenever I begin to write out one of these posts, my mind begins to flood with thoughts of injustice. So many things done to myself and others that I see suffer. However, when I stop to think, everyone has a choice. This morning I chose to wake up at 8 am even though I do not have my first obligation until noon.

We cannot sit idle and expect things to change if we're not willing to take the first step towards change.

I am on four different goals, and feel that to accomplish these are hard tasks. Therefore, why should I accept second best treatment or service from someone else. No I'm not there for convenience, when you're bored, when you need something. That just won't fly with me anymore. I work way too hard and have gotten where I'm at too much just to accept that second class treatment.

Let me advise, I'm not trying to be stuck up or say people need to bow to me. If you got that impression, then you clearly do not know me as a person. I am the most in your face, honest, and will say things people think but really shouldn't say outloud person you might ever run into.

I haven't let myself be open with my emotions and feelings. I have wanted to stay single. I honestly felt like no one should deserve me. Once again, if you know me this is not a pity party, laying a foundation here for my logic.

So when do I fall into the societal norm?

That's just not me, I'm not that type of person. I'm one who loves to make people laugh so hard they cry. I am a provider who loves to make people succeed and strive for better in their jobs, their lives, and about how they see themselves. I believe life is terribly short. And not from birth to death. Life, I feel is from 18 - as long as you can remain of sound mind, body, and soul...

It's not about living as long as possible. How can I enjoy life if I've lost my mind?

I will give you a sample of injustice in my life that will hopefully tie both of my main points together for you.

Person X, continually reaches out to me for assistance, sometimes almost non-stop. (I bet so many people reading this just got nervous it is them...but read on) They always have an "issue" of some sort that they need for me to resolve. It starts off with, "Hi VJ OMG I miss you so much, how have you been doing lately? Been taking over the world haven't you?? So how have you been?" It's really patronizing bull shit if you ask me. Don't come at me like you are so sad that we don't ever hang out. Frankly I really don't care if we have or not. But when you lay into, "If I send you this, can you please fix it and send it back to me?" did you not want to hear how've I been? Guess that was just a formality and real fake. I also assume that what I'm correcting for you will propel you into life and at some point I'll get back stabbed by you to get ahead of me.

People think they're slick, they really do. I know this game of life, of the corporate nonsense, and how to bob and weave through it. A few years back I broke free from the mold and realized I wasn't going to move up if I continued to use the same tactics everyone else did. So I wrote my own. I shared those with others. Some got places, others did not.

What though, was the difference?

I can't go through an interview for someone. I can set them up for success up to the interview, but if they don't come across polished, shined up, and together, then it's a lost cause.

Ok ok ok, so you're asking, WHAT is the point here?

If you REALLY want something, you can get all the help you want from others, but no one is going to give you it and no one is going let you have it before they have it first. You need to want it, crave it, and get it.

For me, I want to be loved, I want to be liked, and I want to be successful in my life, career, and family. But I need to make that happen, no one else will.

The injustices, mistreatments, only calling when you want something, is stopping. I come with a price now. I miss out on so much money because I'm helping everyone else make money.

I just started a business for a friend that will make a ton of money. Helped, from scratch, and will probably never see a dime back. I do this as my own company struggles, nice right?

In my personal side, I'm ready to settle down, wanted to, but my feelings got too strong I had to back away from that person. I took a stand finally not to say, "Oh sure maybe when it's right. Not a good time for him right now." Justifying it pretty much. I don't want to get into all that right now. But I'm sure you see, I was an idiot, a fool, and allowing myself just to create something that wasn't there. I was falling for sure, but it was unfortunately one way. No fault to that person as they were extremely up front at the top with me not wanting to be in a relationship. Neither was I wanting to be at the time. Things happened, and I grew feelings.

I took a stand, am taking a stand, and will.continue to take a stand that I will fulfill my four goals by my deadline. I am almost there and will do it. I have so much to offer, and want to give and share all my happiness, laughter, and fun times through life with someone at my side who sees me for me, not for what I can do for them. Whether that's a partner, a friend, family, an acquaintance, or whoever...it applied to all. If it's business, it's business.

You only get one chance through this thing called life, you don't have 9 lives or even 2. So take a stand of your own, today!